drugcravings: (lindsay 2)
my depression is currently telling me that my happiness is a lie. every time i've ever felt happy it's been fake.
as you can guess this is one of the bad days. this weekend, my town has a big event where there are booths, rides, fireworks, etc. and it's a town thing. i've lived here for 8 years now and every year has been "lit" as they call it. that has always been the start of summer, that's the marking point. that event also sets the tone for the rest of the summer for that year to me. i've always partied and done something crazy at this time in the past. 2014 i had my mohawk, did salvia and xanax with everyone, blacked out in ethan's grandpa's basement party, wow. my peak, my prime. my saturn car, with sara giving her a ride. i miss her! so much! i also miss james! i remember one year when james was driving me around in his truck after we watched fireworks at the baseball field, i wanna say that was 2015. in 2016 during the fireworks i was in trisha's backyard smoking a joint dipped in wax and rolled in kief with tracey, jamie, and kesa. i had 5-6 months clean from hard drugs at the time, that's the only reason i remember that so well. i hit the joint like 2-3 times and was too high already, and let tracey finish it. that made her very happy. i've cried multiple times today and also i currently can't stop crying! i just cry and cry and cry! as soon as i wipe my tears they just keep going. no matter how much weed i smoke too. i had opiate cravings today too. i just watched the fireworks with my mom and i'm just feeling so much.

i feel like a disappointment to everyone around me. i am the dream that my mom & dad had, am i living up to it? this needs to be the last year that i live here. everything in this town is a reminder. a reminder of my traumas. bad things happen to me in this town, like it's cursed or something. the bullying, the accident, the grief, the drugs, the people in general. i can't do it everyday. this weekend of the year just keeps getting more lame and more lame. it's extremely depressing because when this time of year comes around, my thoughts just start flooding with memories of past years and what i was doing then. i think about when i actually did sit at the baseball field with everyone, took pictures, etc. everything just seemed so happy. but that's the tricky thing about nostalgia, nostalgia is a bitch and a liar. i am well aware i didn't like my life at those times, but looking back now it was so much better back then! it's like rose tinted glasses; fuck you nostalgia for doing this to me!

i go from not feeling anything to feeling everything, and my feelings hit me like a train. all at once and they come flooding and i don't know what to do. i didn't do anything friday, i went to brianna's house today for like an hour and left because they were going to a party that i didn't wanna go to. but i told them all to let me know what they do after the party for the fireworks so i can meet back up with them again, but they never did. my snapchats were left on read and once brian told me they were at the baseball field i tried driving there and i couldn't find parking, it was too late so i came back home. this is the first year i've done this all alone. summer 2015 i shaved my head this weekend and ethan almost fought abe, partied at dylan's house, epic party ever, did molly and eddie hit on me. lmao. summer 2016 was lame but still a lot more decent than this year, i actually socialized for longer than an hour. 

it's been 3 yrs since first artrave today. 3 fucking years. i got three vinyl records w kesa yesterday: a fever you can't sweat out, post pop depression, and heaven or las vegas. i haven't been working lately at all, i haven't had the motivation. 
p.s. nick actually had the nerve to leave my snapchats on delivered for hours, and then go and post a story. i told him to let me know. he didn't. but he can post stories. i hate everyone. i literally am so done, frustrated, i've tolerated too much for too long. i've put up with so much shit, and i've never stood up for myself. i don't deserve this, right? also, kesa told me she was gonna stay the night tonight and test out the top bunk. she was planning on coming over after she got off work at 2:30 but after she got home she fell asleep and took a nap. that was when i went to brianna's house. after she woke up she said alice invited her to a party and she didn't know what she wanted to do. so i've just been waiting all day or whatever. she snapchatted me a little bit ago and she's at alice's house. lmao so i'm alone! !!! surprise! wow! alone! shocker! not trying to play victim i don't blame kesa and i'm not mad at her for choosing what to do with her life, because that's what she did and that's okay. but i'm just emphasizing the fact that i'm not doing shit this weekend except thinking and crying and feeling a lot of emotions. i will actually burst out into tears out of nowhere, like literal crying spells. it's bad. 

well, hopefully my next post is a little more lighter.

i don't think i'm asking for too much, but these are my little goals for the time in between now and my next blog post:
1. work at least one day, just one fucking day 
2. lower my cannabis tolerance
3. maintain my sobriety to everything except cannabis; benadryl, caffeine, nicotine, opiates, powder, xans, self-harm, etc. 
4. try to feel better and maybe try going at least one day without crying? (this is optional as i don't have control over this)

drugcravings: (britney 2)
well hello, i'm back again eating dominos once again. nothing's new. i have been so unproductive the past week it's not even funny, i've worked a total of barely 2 hours. i was doing so good, making so much. eh, oh well. i'm just making money to spend it on weed, so i just break even. it's not fair! i've been stuck daydreaming and fantasizing about the future lately, way too much. i just think about my life 1-2 years from now and dream about everything down to the last detail. like what color will my curtains be? what kind of a couch will i get? i've just been looking at real estate websites for the past week, getting a general idea for the price of like a condo/townhouse/apartment. i totally want to buy one, my mom said she would cosign for me so i would be able to move out sooner and have more time to apply for a credit card later. that would be so exciting it's literally all i've been able to think about! kesa would move in with me too since she works & goes to school in the area that i'm looking in, so all of my monthly expenses would be cut in half. amazing! since she's going to college in the area i know she's not going anywhere for the next four years, so i have like four years to get a better job to support myself the day she decides to move out. it's times like these where i wish i had a partner because it would be sooo much cheaper, oh well it's not the right time anyways. meeting a guy right now would be horrible timing now that i put some thought into it. 

my mom had her surgery almost two weeks ago and she's doing okay lately. she can't really get out of bed and she's going to be like that probably for another month or so. it's chill for me though, i go in her room and we talk all the time about real estate and what my future plans are. i've been looking at ikea's website and getting some inspiration for decorating styles. i'm so excited- i even have a notepad of what all my monthly expenses would consist of besides mortgage, such as cell phone, internet, groceries, etc. and it's a lot. i know i can do it though. especially since nothing is happening until around fall 2018, i have so much time to get my shit together and prepare myself aka save all my fafsa money too. i've been waiting for this for so long and i've just never seen it as realistic, always just a pipe dream. but now, there's this light at the end of the tunnel and i can finally see it!!!! it's happening!!! all on my own too!! 

i've been listening to a lot of the velvet underground recently, they're so good and they remind me of my old friend from high school named jason. when i was a senior, jason was a freshman and he suffered from autism but he was the nicest person ever, also very smart and educated with music and whatnot. he sat next to me in my creative writing class everyday that whole year, and our talks were the best thing ever. we would always mess around on the school laptops and do nothing but talk about music all throughout class. he would always show me new music and read me the lyrics and we'd laugh about them. one of his favorite bands was the velvet underground and we bonded over our mutual love for them. and so now, whenever i listen to them i think of him and get nostalgic. i texted him like the month after i graduated, but we stopped texting. i wonder how he is doing, he should be ending his sophomore year and going into junior year! WOW time is flying by, it's scary to think about, i can't wrap my head around it or comprehend the concept of time if we're being real right now. i can't believe it's only been a year since i've graduated high school, it feels like it's been 5 years. 

amanda snapchatted me like two hours ago and i just now accidentally opened it, she wants to see if i want to hangout on june 3rd. i totally forgot she told me she was free that day. i have time to think of an excuse as to why i can't go thankfully. we went out to dinner about a week ago and we were there for like three hours just talking. we bonded over our hatred for xavier but i'll save that for a different blog post.  after dinner, we both forgot where i parked and we spent thirty minutes looking for my car in different parking lots. i had an anxiety attack but we made it. i love memory loss! she's very nice and her mom loves me too, i just feel awkward sometimes because of our age gap. i am this way with every libra in my life, they're social friends. they're good friends to talk with at events, but not good friends to snapchat/text. this is all just my opinion though i don't really have anything against libras if you're a libra reading this. i'll cross this bridge with her when it comes.

kesa is currently down south visiting dylan for the weekend, which means she won't be replying to my snapchats or anything until she's back home and bored. sad but true, and i don't mind because i understand. her boyfriend lives like 3.5 hours away, that could be a tough thing to deal with. anyways, mark has been home for the past two weeks because he took time off work to take care of my mom and farm. therefore he's been home all day which makes me isolate and eliminates my option of smoking weed in my backyard. it's okay though because i've literally have just been going up to the mountains and smoking with kesa or trisha or jacob everyday. i like it better when mark is not here though honestly, when it's just me and my mom and maybe jacob it's very chill and i can smoke whenever i want. that's gonna be another amazing thing about living on my own in an apartment, is i can smoke weed whenever i feel like it on my back patio. i'm gonna decorate it all cute with christmas lights, i have the vision already! 

i got all of my disposable pictures back, which means i really need to buy another camera and start taking pictures of everything again. i know i'm gonna run out of pictures within the next couple days and i'm gonna need more content to post. and the whole process of getting them developed takes like two weeks, sadly. the pictures that i have gotten so far have been so cute though. i hate how instagram has a follow limit of 7,500 accounts! i follow all my followers back but i have around 8.2k now so i can't! i got new eyeglasses and they finally came in the mail a couple days ago, and they're so cute- i'm still not over it. they're like clear/silver aviator's. they compliment my buzz cut and eyebrows, and it's weird looking cute without having colored contacts in. i like it, my eyes have a chance to rest after wearing contacts for years. i really don't know what i'm talking about in this blog post, i'm just typing my scatterbrained, hypomanic thoughts and getting them out of my head. i've been smoking out of my window all day, and i'm debating on if i should go to work for dinner shift tonight or if i should go to keith's show in a couple hours. everyone else is going and i've been meaning to go to one of his shows, i wanna see how good his band is. i also wanted to talk to him about making merchandise for his band, that'd be cool.

i ordered seasons 1-3 of the simple life and they all came in the mail already. i watched all of them and i cannot wait to order seasons 4-5 and watch them. my favorite seasons so far are 1 and 2 because season 3 seems so much more produced than the others. you can start to tell it's scripted and it gets less funny. idk wut i'm going on about now so i'm gonna stop typing and go smoke to another season of the simple life! pray for me! lmao bye!
drugcravings: (alice 1)
wow hello! i haven't posted anything in a couple weeks, i dunno where to start. a lot of good and bad things have happened, but i can definitely say i'm in a much better mindset than i was when i last journaled. i've worked through a lot and my cannabis tolerance has gone down thankfully. wanna know the best news of the decade though!? i finally got a job!! my first job ever!! i am a delivery driver for doordash, and i'm considered an independent contractor.  i like it so far, it's pretty chill. i'm totally self-employed so i have to put aside 20% of each paycheck for taxes and i have to pay for my own gas, but yeah i make enough for it to balance out to a minimum wage job so that's all that matters! it's something. i work at my own pace and don't have to deal with coworkers or anything, so that's really nice. i've just been thinking long-term a lot lately and i really want to start building credit. so after about a month of income i'm going to apply for a secured credit card, just strictly use it for gas only, and then after 1 year get an unsecured credit card. after all that, i'll finally be ready to get an apartment without anyone to cosign for me! that's my goal. i know i'll be able to do it.

what else do we have to catch up on? my mom had her surgery today, she had a hysterectomy so that's pretty intense. she's probably going to be living from her bed for the next 2 weeks. ummm, i would talk about xavier but that's a different blog post for a different day, that's all too much to type out right now too. idk lately i've just been lost in my thoughts. i just constantly think about my past and my childhood and old memories in my old house all day, that's what passes the time throughout the days. i dropped all my summer classes except for social psychology, i dropped philosophy and computer graphics. i dropped the computer graphics class because it wasn't compatible with mac's at all, and i dropped philosophy because i that shit looked hard, not even gonna lie. nick came over for the first time in awhile today, it was kinda weird. he's racist and transphobic and i kinda hate him more and more everyday! i got my new bed a couple weeks ago and it's pretty comfortable. i can't complain, it's better than my old mattress. i wrapped christmas lights around the bed frame and it looks so cute! oh yea! i also got my second tattoo session done. it was five hours, it was a lot more painful than the first session. when they go over the first session tattoo, they're going over scar tissue so it hurts a lot more. my tattoo has been so expensive and he said i needed to have a third and final session. i originally only thought it was gonna be 9-10 hours/2 sessions. but i guess not, my third session is on june 13th. i'm getting flames and clouds finished up and medusa's hand. i love the way it looks after the second session, it's so lovely. 

i started watching the simple life like i said i wanted to in my last blog post, and it's my new favorite show to be honest. i cannot deal with my shitty internet though, so i ordered all five seasons on ebay on DVD. i regret nothing! i'm in the middle of the second season right now but i can't deal with the buffering. it takes my laptop 45 minutes to buffer through a 20 minute episode, it's crazy.  anyways, my whole irritability thing with everyone/everything around me has kinda decreased. some days are better than others, and i'd say lately there's been a little more good days. i think it's because i see the light at the end of the tunnel now that i've never ever seen before. i'm getting income, i'm building credit, i'm in college, all of these things are leading me to the end main goal: being self-sustained and independent on my own. i just daydream about moving out and being on my own everyday. i have never felt home here, and i've lived in this house/town for almost nine years. i have never felt like i can be 100% my full authentic genuine self, and i hate that feeling. i want to go somewhere where i feel like i belong, somewhere where i feel wanted. i know a place like that exists. 

a couple weeks ago, i had my follow-up appointment with my neurologist to see what my eeg test showed. my results were basically nothing, he told us that the test came back normal and there's nothing he can do. he suggested the brain will heal itself within 6 months - 1 year so that's whatever. he was kind of a douche though, the way he presented himself. he was very money-oriented and was just talking to me about how to get the most money out of this, i'm just like dude i don't care! fix my brain! i cried on my way back home after the appointment, because any brain test on me should not have came back normal as bad as that sounds. ummmm. what else. mother's day was last weekend, that was kinda fun, kinda not. we all went up to my grandma's house on my mom's side. it's so awkward when my whole family tries talking to me and finding something in common with me to talk about. i have nothing in common with these people and i think i make them uncomfortable, they don't know how to talk to me? that morning i had a dream i checked the mail at home and there was an envelope from shirley. i just find that odd because i never ever dream ever when i'm smoking weed. that's always been a thing, stoners don't dream. the only dream i remember after my car accident is one on mother's day, getting a letter from the mother of my dead father? kinda strange. i told my mom about it and she just brushed it off as usual, my mom doesn't like shirley. no one in my family does. i feel like i have a lot in common with her though. i'm very curious to know what my subconscious is trying to tell me. i'll figure it out eventually i'm sure.
drugcravings: (amanda 1)
i feel like it's been awhile since i've blogged. where do i start? on monday i went to the mall with trisha and replaced my tiny nose stud with a black hoop and also got my dermal jewelry changed out to a black/gold diamond. it looks so cute and i really want to stretch my ears again, they took them out after the accident and they closed sadly. this is the latest i've ever blogged, i'm tired and overly medicated but at the same time i have so much to get out so i can stop thinking and start sleeping. journaling helps me not feel as scatterbrained and it organizes my thoughts. we also got chipotle and i got my eyebrows done; eyebrow threading hurts every time literally worse than tattoos/piercings it's insane but it looks sooooo good. that night i watched the jeremy scott moschino documentary on netflix with my mom, it was an interesting experience to say the least. 

earlier today brianna, kesa, nick, and i went to out of town to get thai food. omg though they are too much. i can only handle nick in low doses lately. they've been coming over a lot lately and i don't know if it's me or them or both. i don't hate them or anything but like they get annoying. everyone expected kesa to drive and no one was giving her directions so i had to look them up on my phone. nick also tried debating with kesa and i about transgender rights. fucking stupid. even though kesa is a biology major nick was mansplaining how he thinks there's only two genders. he's obviously never heard of intersex. transphobia is something i don't tolerate, because there's so many parallels between trans individuals and gay/lesbian/bi individuals. many people often forget the T in L.G.B.T. and i hate it. it's the same community! if you don't support trans i feel like it's a punch to my face as well! i wasn't hungry at the restaurant though because i was out of weed all day so i just got deep fried bananas and ice cream with caramel. it was good. even now at 1:36am i'm just now coming to the realization that i've only had a muffin, a pop tart, and that ice cream today. wow maybe that is why i feel like shit 95% of the time. i wish i could smoke less, or stop smoking weed. i've managed to quit everything else including nicotine but weed is the one thing i can't let go of. anyway, we went into a free art gallery after the thai place though and that was soooo cool to see. the lady working there was really pretty, she had a buzzcut and she was very nice. i love girls that can pull off buzzcuts.

after we got back to my house we watched the bad girls club reunion and then nick & brianna finally left. kesa and i went to the dispensary because i actually felt as if i was going insane. i drove there, kesa drives like 200 miles daily and lord knows i was sober enough. i got a bunch of shit but it was $91 so i felt really shitty about blowing my money. it's like i don't even get high anymore i just consume cannabis to return to baseline and curb withdrawals. it's bad. i love weed i just hate my massive tolerance and i don't want to take a tolerance break. pretty soon though i'm gonna go broke and it's gonna be a forced tolerance break, that'll be much fun. after we got back i got really high and got over all my irritability; and then we watch twilight and i cried. i cannot get through that movie without crying at least one time, every time. kesa left because she had to get up at like 4am tomorrow morning for work. crazy. she was talking about moving out and getting an apartment and i am so ready for this chapter of my life to begin to be honest.

within a year i might be getting the settlement thing, so i'll have rent while i get a job and get on my feet. kesa was looking around anywhere in the bay. she said lillian and alice would be up to living with us. it's extremely convenient too as i got a futon bunk bed and that will save 2 beds + a couch. oh! the twin top mattress arrived today and i set it up with my mom. thankfully it's more comfortable than i was expecting. also, this morning i was discovering new twitter accounts similar to mine and i followed like 80 people. i never know there was such a huge pop culture side of twitter, i thought i was the only one obsessed with the 2000s. oh i also want to start binge watching all of 'the simple life', surprisingly i haven't seen it, you'd think i would've by now. i need to find a website that streams it online, that's what i'll do tonight! anyway, this girl on twitter makes magazines and puts old emo diary entries in them, pictures, concert tickets, etc. and they were only like $9 so i definitely bought one. i cannot wait for it to arrive, the shitty part is it's coming from london so it might be a couple weeks. they looked so cute though and i had never seen anything like it before. i can also empathize and understand the small online business struggle. that reminds me! i need to sell more hoodies. i spent $10 on instagram ads but i didn't get any buys. no one wants hoodies in the summer, i need to think bigger and expand. maybe make a big cartel account, idk. 

i don't know if it's because of my head injury, mental illnesses, or cannabis dependency but i've been feeling so angry, annoyed, and irritable with humanity and humans all the time lately. like today when i was with nick and brianna i just wanted them to leave so i can have my alone, comfortable time by myself in isolation and peace. i would never actually say anything but the thoughts consume me. i can't turn my brain off sometimes and it's really hard to deal with. 

update: the next morning; jacob just seems to think that he can just barge into my room even though he can get me sick because he's "bored". join the fucking club dude! shoulda went to school today then! he wants to do shit and i'm just like leave me alone and let me isolate in peace like jesus christ. i literally stood up and walked to the bathroom and sat in there for like 15 mins because i just want to be alone constantly. this is the perfect prime example for reasons why i want to live on my own and get the FUCK out of this house/town. i need my alone time and no one understands that. my room is my safe zone where i am just myself, and socializing is so exhausting. i've done enough socializing lately, i've had it with people. i honestly hate humans and humanity they all annoy me. i need new faces, new friends, a change of scenery. geuirvkjcbrjedfjkrnnurejkn. fun fact: he's still in my room as i'm typing this. he chews tobacco and it's disgusting and he has it in right now, i want to throw up. i can't take it; my blood is boiling. i was just out back smoking too and i don't even get high anymore. i just ate a 50mg indica edible so this should be fun. not. it's only 12:08pm what the fuck am i going to do today. i was supposed to go see lil peep tonight but i might just go to his next show tomorrow. no one wants to go with me, kesa flaked. so i'm probably gonna go by myself and meet people. i don't mind going to concerts alone, i accept the fact that i have a very diverse and broad taste of music. i'm literally trying so hard not to get angry and to control myself and keep my mouth shut but it's like what is the difference between him being bored in his room vs my room! i don't get it! we're sitting in silence it's not like we're hanging out or having fun or even having a conversation for all that matter. he is on his phone and i am typing away really fast on my laptop. i'm tempted to go out back again, fuck. i'll be back.

i'm back. it's 6:07pm now and i'm thinking of things to pass the time with while i taper off the weed. i really need to cut down before i go broke and have to go cold turkey. i spent $91 yesterday and everything is almost gone. i only have like $30 worth of stuff left. i barely get high either, i'm just wasting money but i can't stop! so i was thinking though and what if CBD can get rid of the THC withdrawal symptoms? so i took 2 CBD pills hoping they work, it's also a good reason to not hit my dab pen because THC is dulled when you have CBD in your system, so it'd be even more wasteful. i'm trying to save the last of my money too. before i bought my bed, my motivation for saving money was that i always had to have enough in my bank account to be able to get lip injections ($610) if i ever wanted them at one point. well i decided to buy that bed instead so that's how i know i'm broke as shit. hmm. the weather here has been getting so warm lately! so far this week it's the hottest it's been in awhile. i forgot what summer weather is like, i'm not a fan of it either. i can't stop listening to augustana. i know that was random but i listened to the full album all the stars and boulevards for the first time earlier and i immediately loved it! i ordered the CD on ebay for $3 too i'm not even gonna lie i'm so excited.

drugcravings: (britney 3)
hello! yes, still listening to pink floyd. i'm going to see katie today for the first time since the car accident, so this should be something. we had plans on hanging out this weekend and i suggested coffee, so now i am blogging to pass the time and distracting my brain from having anxiety while i wait for her to snapchat me. my mom is literally going insane over me hanging out with her, she literally begged me to not let her drive me around anywhere ever. i really just think katie is a bad driver, she never had any malicious intent. oh! last weekend, urban outfitters was having a sale; 20% off all of their shoes and they had the dr. martens 1461's that i've had bookmarked for months. they're not just the basic black 1461's, i already own those. these are the fade out ones that go from black to white, it's so cool it's like a gradient. they came in the mail and i just tried them on for the first time as i'm typing, and they're cute and nice and i really like them, BUT there's so much more white on the shoe than i was expecting. it's definitely something i need to get used to, i'm not used to seeing so much white on my clothing. 

yesterday was fun, brianna and i went out of town and got jamba juice, we also visited nick at olive garden and got some soup and breadsticks. after that, we shopped in that little shopping center and went to tilly's and forever 21. brianna found some stuff at tilly's and i got the cutest bomber and a pink floyd: the wall (movie) t-shirt. so cute and neither of the items were crazy expensive. i was not expecting to buy stuff/shop that day but i'm kinda glad i did, i needed a new bomber and the new one looks so much more expensive than $35, it looks like some brand name shit! plus it goes so well with my givenchy shirt and the new doc martens i was just talking about. holy shit, i cannot believe that today is the last day of april. tomorrow is may. what the actual fuck. where did march & april go? they're black timeless voids where months should've been. sort of like 2014-2015. it never happened. :~) lately, i haven't really been able to differentiate between the days; it's just a bunch of memories all scattered together in one collection with a general idea of what i did.

OMG. i want to rewatch 13 reasons why so bad soon. that is probably all that i'm going to be doing this whole week since i'm off school and have no job. i watched it in march and i remember general things about the show and the idea of the plot, i finished the whole season but i know i'd have a better opinion on the show if i rewatched it. i've been hearing many mixed reviews about it, with some people saying it glamorizes mental illness and suicide, while some people saying it portrays mental illness in an incorrect way, making it seem like love and dating will cure someone. some people don't like it because there's not enough trigger warnings. i will admit i do remember it being a pretty heavy show, i cried a few times. some people also think it's going to influence our current generation into committing suicide in a "creative" way (by recording tapes, etc.). i can sort of see that but i also think that if someone is going to kill themselves, they're going to do it regardless if a show inspired the method. i can heavily relate to the show though, the bullying issues, the whole theme of the show and whatnot. i love alex though! and tony. tony is fine as hell i'm not even gonna lie.

katie is here to pick me up- i will update when i get back

update: i'm back home, oh boy. i'm very angry and coming from me that's a surprise because i don't get angry. i'm never an angry person. this whole situation deeply saddens me to my core because i didn't even get the chance to catch up with katie or see how she's doing or talk about either one of us, it was just all talk about my mom. all we talked about was the beef with her and my mom and i really don't care to hear it. and then as soon as i got home, the same shit happened. i just sat on the couch and listened to my mom talk about katie for 30 mins. it just gets so fucking old. i'm just caught somewhere in the middle of their conflict. i just want things to sort themselves out already and everything can just go back to normal. was anything normal to begin with though?

i genuinely believe that i have a lot more qualities from my dad's side of the family than the rest of my immediate family members. my mom, brother, and sister are all kind of similar. i just feel so marginalized from the rest of them. i don't feel like i can relate to anyone and i just feel so different and misunderstood by them. i know they have good intentions, but i'm not with it though, like we have nothing in common anymore. i take after my dad's side for sure, because all i can think and fantasize about is starting a new life and dropping everything here and never speaking to anyone currently in my life again, and that's what my dad's side did. i hate it, but i can't control it. i need out, i need to be self-sustained. i need to be reliant on my own, away from my mom and mark. i want to be my own person, away from all of this. i hate how my mom speaks on my behalf, and makes my business her business. she acts as if she was in the accident but she wasn't. i don't know how to feel about this whole situation because i love both of them. i'm neutral, this issue doesn't even involve me so i don't know what to do. i don't know what either of them want from me out of this situation, and i don't know how to help. only they can help each other by working through it and talking about it like mature adults.

i begin to question everything around me; what is real and what is not. who can i trust? can i trust what i've heard my whole life? my perception of people has always been subjective to my mother's opinion of that person. for example, my grandma shirley. my mom never liked senior, or kathy i think her name is. why though? where do i fall under all this? how do they feel about me? does my mom's conflict have to be my conflict also? i want a relationship with everyone on my dad's side of the family before it's too late, before they're all dead. i want to know them, as a person. i want to have a conversation with them and just sit down and get to know them. i want to ask them about my dad. i want to hear things about my dad that weren't biased to my mom. different people probably saw different sides of him. shirley knew him before my mom did anyway, that all has to mean something right? they all don't just exist for no reason right? i just feel like a part of me is missing and it has something to do with that, and i'm so grateful and happy that i have the privilege of realizing this and being aware of it, coming to terms with it is the best thing for me. half of me is missing, my dad's half. it always has been. trust issues are a thing. my mom's voice has always been my own inner voice growing up and could be responsible for all of my internalized homophobia, i don't know though. 

i wanted to go to sf today, but kesa said there was a giants game, so she's probably just gonna come over later. this blog is such a good outlet and i am so happy i had this idea because i can literally feel it. it feels so good being able to let it all out objectively without judgement, and it's not physically straining writing either, because i'm typing. i feel better now that i got it out, i will keep this updated.

fuck my life, hehe.
drugcravings: (lindsay 3)
greetings- i am currently medicated; i ate a 60mg edible and smoked a pre-roll, not too much.  i just had taco bell with my mom, she's the only one i've been hanging out with all day. i've discovered that i am the only person in my life that is single and/or unemployed and it's pretty annoying. i want a job but i don't want a job. i want a boyfriend but i don't want a boyfriend. each part of me wants different things, and i don't know which version of myself to actually trust. one day i will feel like i can handle anything and another day i will feel like i can handle nothing. some days i feel like the only person that exists in the world, and other days i feel dead and i don't exist at all. i don't know if that makes sense to you, but it makes sense to me.

i believe it was yesterday i had an appointment with a neurologist to finally see what the fuck happened to my head in the car accident, and it was very intriguing. neuroscience and psychology/psychiatry are kind of similar, so it's very interesting to me. i plan on taking an intro to neuroscience class this fall, i have to in order to get my degree actually. anyway, an EEG was performed and this nice lady attached like 100 wires to my head. she used this disgusting thick sticky glue to keep the wire patches on, and it got on my adidas sweatshirt and i had to shower when i got home. it was gross but it was whatever. i had to be sleep deprived so i was cranky all day. i'm so curious to see what my results are, i want to know if i'll get any more diagnoses. they also said i should be able to see what part of my head was hit, so that'll be interesting.

my mom gave me a ride to the dispensary today, not because i couldn't drive but because i didn't want to go alone. i'm tired of being alone and doing things alone. kesa is in SLO visiting dylan for the weekend and trisha is in santa cruz with dame for the weekend. everyone has jobs and is always working too. i feel like i need new friends. no one in the central valley really gets me or understands me. i feel like i can't be comfortable around anyone really besides kesa. kesa is the only one. i've always said that if it wasn't for my cat, kesa, and my mom i would be dead right now. today at the dispensary i got a 250mg chocolate bar, a cartridge, some pre-rolls, and a kief/oil joint. with my tolerance that should last hopefully a week, oops. people who have my tolerance have two options: either take a tolerance break or smoke more weed a.k.a. spend more money. i'm going broke too, i don't get financial aid for the summer so i have to make this one from spring last all the way until like september. that's really funny though because i'm horrible at saving money. i might just give it all to my mom after i finish my tattoo and have her save it for me.

katie has been snapchatting me lately, and i really need to make some sense out of my thoughts regarding this one. i don't feel like she ran the stop sign on purpose, i just feel like there is something more to it? maybe i want to believe that there was something more to it because my mom feels that way? who do i trust? is my mother always right? i currently tell both of them i don't take sides, but katie is making it a big deal and apparently my mom and her have beef. katie wants to sit down with my mom and the whole family and discuss it but for my mom's sake i don't want to put her through that. we have similar anxiety issues and she doesn't need that, because i know she just wants the best for me. she wouldn't be doing this for any other reason, she doesn't care about katie or what she does. i appreciate my mom looking out for me but all of this conflict is just unnecessary and puts me in a weird position. katie can't be over at my house now because it'll be awkward. she snapchatted me yesterday saying 'let me know when you want to hangout' and we talked about this maybe this weekend. is it going to be awkward? i just don't know what to expect because i haven't seen her since the accident happened. we've both had time to think about everything and process things and realize things. i feel as if i am in a very different place than i was before the accident, and i don't know how she feels about everything. it's almost a sort of PTSD when i imagine her driving me around. if we were to hang out, i'd have to drive. the thought of her picking me up makes my stomach drop, and i don't know whether to feel bad about that or not. is that a rational thought considering the accident? i don't want to tell her that either because i don't want to make her feel bad about involving me, because i'd like to believe it was a genuine accident. she shouldn't feel worse than she already has recently because i was involved. ahhhhh it's just so much.

lately i've been in love with the idea of just moving to a far away place and starting a whole new life, away from everything and everyone.  i just want to get away from it all always!!! it's almost like suicide, suicidal people don't really want to die, they just want an escape and/or to make the shit stop. i'm not suicidal or anything, i'm just trying to compare it to something else to rationalize and make some sense out of it. i've been known to self-diagnose myself sometimes, unhealthy habit. maybe this is a symptom of my depression but it has been been a recurring thought. it's impossible though as i unfortunately don't have the financial means to do so. my dad's side of the family is notorious for ignoring us, i think i get it from them genetically. i have the ability to ignore someone close to me that does me wrong with little/no remorse, and it terrifies me greatly. it's almost a type of dissociation, i think that running from my problem will solve them but another part of me knows that it will solve nothing? my problems will still be my problems no matter the location when i really think about it. i just want a break, like a social vacation. running from my problems is almost like a type of learned behavior though, it's all that i've known sadly. 

welcome to the machine / have a cigar
drugcravings: (nancy 1)
oh hello! setting up this blog has been a confusing, yet fun experience. this is my new diary to monitor my journey as i reinvent myself, or at least i think that i am reinventing myself. this blog is meant to be entirely personal and private, i am not trying to gain the attention of anyone. on march 11th, i was in a car accident with my step-cousin and was flown to a hospital with severe head trauma, a concussion, and a cracked nose. if at least one good thing could've come out of this accident, it's going to be my free rhinoplasty covered by my health insurance. i've always told my friends to break my nose to pay for my nose job and no one has, but my step-cousin actually stepped up and did it! (kinda joking, kinda not?)

anyway, following the accident i guess all of my repressed trauma surfaced. all of my nostalgia involving my 2000s life and my relationship with my siblings came out and that is what inspired this blog. my sister used to have a livejournal along with a xanga and i don't know why it sticks out to me so much. i guess i am nostalgic for the times before i moved here because i was so used to having such a close, tough family that could get through anything. we were all so close and the move just distanced us all, making nothing the same. i will always hold on to the years 2002-2007 even if it is unhealthy to do so. it is the only happy time i've ever experienced in my life, anything after the move was shit.

i was bullied for my sexuality from 2009-2011, homeschooled/isolated in 2011-2012, went to a christian school as a gay person from 2012-2014 as well as me starting prescriptions including prozac, abilify, xanax, trazodone, mirtazapine, latuda, and finally went to a public school from 2014-2016 as well as me coming off all of my prescriptions and beginning to self-medicate with recreational street drugs. sobriety is something that i have, over time, began to view as a privilege that i finally can say that i have. aside from medical marijuana, i am clean from anything else including nicotine. i believe i have about 2 months sober, not counting the first week after the accident i was on oxy? i do not remember a time period where i have felt genuinely happy in the 2010s, the pre-move days are all that i have to cherish.

i do not remember anything from the day of the accident all the way to about the last week of march, it felt like a xanax blackout. i kept comparing myself to drew barrymore from 50 first dates to lighten the mood with whoever was visiting me at the time. i'm just going off of what my mom told me, but for the first week after the accident i was in a semi-coma and slept the whole time, only waking up for brief periods asking what happened and in extreme confusion. but thankfully after the first week i started to get my sanity back, my memory was shit though. i went back the spring semester of college and completed all my finals still, and somehow passed all my classes!!!

knowing all of that, i have made this blog to occupy my time for this summer. i am taking a total of three classes this summer but they are all online, and i do not have a job. i will write about my job anxiety in a further post but yeah. me + free time = bad combination. if i have something to do, someone to hangout with, something to fill the void or pass the time it makes everything extremely easier to cope with aka my sobriety. i'm probably just manic from the tolerance break from edibles that i am taking, it hasn't even been 24 hours that's the funny part. i've just been binge watching movies recently, the past 24 hours i've watched split, get out, the craft, practical magic, pulp fiction, and currently i am watching silver linings playbook. my mom got an amazon fire stick and it somehow got jailbroken so putlocker loads on it now, it's pretty cool. my cat is sleeping and all this typing is making me sober up, i am going to go find something to eat, hit my dab pen, and maybe take a nap.

i look forward to writing on this xx cheers

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