drugcravings: (amanda 1)
[personal profile] drugcravings
i feel like it's been awhile since i've blogged. where do i start? on monday i went to the mall with trisha and replaced my tiny nose stud with a black hoop and also got my dermal jewelry changed out to a black/gold diamond. it looks so cute and i really want to stretch my ears again, they took them out after the accident and they closed sadly. this is the latest i've ever blogged, i'm tired and overly medicated but at the same time i have so much to get out so i can stop thinking and start sleeping. journaling helps me not feel as scatterbrained and it organizes my thoughts. we also got chipotle and i got my eyebrows done; eyebrow threading hurts every time literally worse than tattoos/piercings it's insane but it looks sooooo good. that night i watched the jeremy scott moschino documentary on netflix with my mom, it was an interesting experience to say the least. 

earlier today brianna, kesa, nick, and i went to out of town to get thai food. omg though they are too much. i can only handle nick in low doses lately. they've been coming over a lot lately and i don't know if it's me or them or both. i don't hate them or anything but like they get annoying. everyone expected kesa to drive and no one was giving her directions so i had to look them up on my phone. nick also tried debating with kesa and i about transgender rights. fucking stupid. even though kesa is a biology major nick was mansplaining how he thinks there's only two genders. he's obviously never heard of intersex. transphobia is something i don't tolerate, because there's so many parallels between trans individuals and gay/lesbian/bi individuals. many people often forget the T in L.G.B.T. and i hate it. it's the same community! if you don't support trans i feel like it's a punch to my face as well! i wasn't hungry at the restaurant though because i was out of weed all day so i just got deep fried bananas and ice cream with caramel. it was good. even now at 1:36am i'm just now coming to the realization that i've only had a muffin, a pop tart, and that ice cream today. wow maybe that is why i feel like shit 95% of the time. i wish i could smoke less, or stop smoking weed. i've managed to quit everything else including nicotine but weed is the one thing i can't let go of. anyway, we went into a free art gallery after the thai place though and that was soooo cool to see. the lady working there was really pretty, she had a buzzcut and she was very nice. i love girls that can pull off buzzcuts.

after we got back to my house we watched the bad girls club reunion and then nick & brianna finally left. kesa and i went to the dispensary because i actually felt as if i was going insane. i drove there, kesa drives like 200 miles daily and lord knows i was sober enough. i got a bunch of shit but it was $91 so i felt really shitty about blowing my money. it's like i don't even get high anymore i just consume cannabis to return to baseline and curb withdrawals. it's bad. i love weed i just hate my massive tolerance and i don't want to take a tolerance break. pretty soon though i'm gonna go broke and it's gonna be a forced tolerance break, that'll be much fun. after we got back i got really high and got over all my irritability; and then we watch twilight and i cried. i cannot get through that movie without crying at least one time, every time. kesa left because she had to get up at like 4am tomorrow morning for work. crazy. she was talking about moving out and getting an apartment and i am so ready for this chapter of my life to begin to be honest.

within a year i might be getting the settlement thing, so i'll have rent while i get a job and get on my feet. kesa was looking around anywhere in the bay. she said lillian and alice would be up to living with us. it's extremely convenient too as i got a futon bunk bed and that will save 2 beds + a couch. oh! the twin top mattress arrived today and i set it up with my mom. thankfully it's more comfortable than i was expecting. also, this morning i was discovering new twitter accounts similar to mine and i followed like 80 people. i never know there was such a huge pop culture side of twitter, i thought i was the only one obsessed with the 2000s. oh i also want to start binge watching all of 'the simple life', surprisingly i haven't seen it, you'd think i would've by now. i need to find a website that streams it online, that's what i'll do tonight! anyway, this girl on twitter makes magazines and puts old emo diary entries in them, pictures, concert tickets, etc. and they were only like $9 so i definitely bought one. i cannot wait for it to arrive, the shitty part is it's coming from london so it might be a couple weeks. they looked so cute though and i had never seen anything like it before. i can also empathize and understand the small online business struggle. that reminds me! i need to sell more hoodies. i spent $10 on instagram ads but i didn't get any buys. no one wants hoodies in the summer, i need to think bigger and expand. maybe make a big cartel account, idk. 

i don't know if it's because of my head injury, mental illnesses, or cannabis dependency but i've been feeling so angry, annoyed, and irritable with humanity and humans all the time lately. like today when i was with nick and brianna i just wanted them to leave so i can have my alone, comfortable time by myself in isolation and peace. i would never actually say anything but the thoughts consume me. i can't turn my brain off sometimes and it's really hard to deal with. 

update: the next morning; jacob just seems to think that he can just barge into my room even though he can get me sick because he's "bored". join the fucking club dude! shoulda went to school today then! he wants to do shit and i'm just like leave me alone and let me isolate in peace like jesus christ. i literally stood up and walked to the bathroom and sat in there for like 15 mins because i just want to be alone constantly. this is the perfect prime example for reasons why i want to live on my own and get the FUCK out of this house/town. i need my alone time and no one understands that. my room is my safe zone where i am just myself, and socializing is so exhausting. i've done enough socializing lately, i've had it with people. i honestly hate humans and humanity they all annoy me. i need new faces, new friends, a change of scenery. geuirvkjcbrjedfjkrnnurejkn. fun fact: he's still in my room as i'm typing this. he chews tobacco and it's disgusting and he has it in right now, i want to throw up. i can't take it; my blood is boiling. i was just out back smoking too and i don't even get high anymore. i just ate a 50mg indica edible so this should be fun. not. it's only 12:08pm what the fuck am i going to do today. i was supposed to go see lil peep tonight but i might just go to his next show tomorrow. no one wants to go with me, kesa flaked. so i'm probably gonna go by myself and meet people. i don't mind going to concerts alone, i accept the fact that i have a very diverse and broad taste of music. i'm literally trying so hard not to get angry and to control myself and keep my mouth shut but it's like what is the difference between him being bored in his room vs my room! i don't get it! we're sitting in silence it's not like we're hanging out or having fun or even having a conversation for all that matter. he is on his phone and i am typing away really fast on my laptop. i'm tempted to go out back again, fuck. i'll be back.

i'm back. it's 6:07pm now and i'm thinking of things to pass the time with while i taper off the weed. i really need to cut down before i go broke and have to go cold turkey. i spent $91 yesterday and everything is almost gone. i only have like $30 worth of stuff left. i barely get high either, i'm just wasting money but i can't stop! so i was thinking though and what if CBD can get rid of the THC withdrawal symptoms? so i took 2 CBD pills hoping they work, it's also a good reason to not hit my dab pen because THC is dulled when you have CBD in your system, so it'd be even more wasteful. i'm trying to save the last of my money too. before i bought my bed, my motivation for saving money was that i always had to have enough in my bank account to be able to get lip injections ($610) if i ever wanted them at one point. well i decided to buy that bed instead so that's how i know i'm broke as shit. hmm. the weather here has been getting so warm lately! so far this week it's the hottest it's been in awhile. i forgot what summer weather is like, i'm not a fan of it either. i can't stop listening to augustana. i know that was random but i listened to the full album all the stars and boulevards for the first time earlier and i immediately loved it! i ordered the CD on ebay for $3 too i'm not even gonna lie i'm so excited.

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June 2017

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