Apr. 28th, 2017

drugcravings: (nancy 1)
oh hello! setting up this blog has been a confusing, yet fun experience. this is my new diary to monitor my journey as i reinvent myself, or at least i think that i am reinventing myself. this blog is meant to be entirely personal and private, i am not trying to gain the attention of anyone. on march 11th, i was in a car accident with my step-cousin and was flown to a hospital with severe head trauma, a concussion, and a cracked nose. if at least one good thing could've come out of this accident, it's going to be my free rhinoplasty covered by my health insurance. i've always told my friends to break my nose to pay for my nose job and no one has, but my step-cousin actually stepped up and did it! (kinda joking, kinda not?)

anyway, following the accident i guess all of my repressed trauma surfaced. all of my nostalgia involving my 2000s life and my relationship with my siblings came out and that is what inspired this blog. my sister used to have a livejournal along with a xanga and i don't know why it sticks out to me so much. i guess i am nostalgic for the times before i moved here because i was so used to having such a close, tough family that could get through anything. we were all so close and the move just distanced us all, making nothing the same. i will always hold on to the years 2002-2007 even if it is unhealthy to do so. it is the only happy time i've ever experienced in my life, anything after the move was shit.

i was bullied for my sexuality from 2009-2011, homeschooled/isolated in 2011-2012, went to a christian school as a gay person from 2012-2014 as well as me starting prescriptions including prozac, abilify, xanax, trazodone, mirtazapine, latuda, and finally went to a public school from 2014-2016 as well as me coming off all of my prescriptions and beginning to self-medicate with recreational street drugs. sobriety is something that i have, over time, began to view as a privilege that i finally can say that i have. aside from medical marijuana, i am clean from anything else including nicotine. i believe i have about 2 months sober, not counting the first week after the accident i was on oxy? i do not remember a time period where i have felt genuinely happy in the 2010s, the pre-move days are all that i have to cherish.

i do not remember anything from the day of the accident all the way to about the last week of march, it felt like a xanax blackout. i kept comparing myself to drew barrymore from 50 first dates to lighten the mood with whoever was visiting me at the time. i'm just going off of what my mom told me, but for the first week after the accident i was in a semi-coma and slept the whole time, only waking up for brief periods asking what happened and in extreme confusion. but thankfully after the first week i started to get my sanity back, my memory was shit though. i went back the spring semester of college and completed all my finals still, and somehow passed all my classes!!!

knowing all of that, i have made this blog to occupy my time for this summer. i am taking a total of three classes this summer but they are all online, and i do not have a job. i will write about my job anxiety in a further post but yeah. me + free time = bad combination. if i have something to do, someone to hangout with, something to fill the void or pass the time it makes everything extremely easier to cope with aka my sobriety. i'm probably just manic from the tolerance break from edibles that i am taking, it hasn't even been 24 hours that's the funny part. i've just been binge watching movies recently, the past 24 hours i've watched split, get out, the craft, practical magic, pulp fiction, and currently i am watching silver linings playbook. my mom got an amazon fire stick and it somehow got jailbroken so putlocker loads on it now, it's pretty cool. my cat is sleeping and all this typing is making me sober up, i am going to go find something to eat, hit my dab pen, and maybe take a nap.

i look forward to writing on this xx cheers

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