Apr. 29th, 2017

drugcravings: (lindsay 3)
greetings- i am currently medicated; i ate a 60mg edible and smoked a pre-roll, not too much.  i just had taco bell with my mom, she's the only one i've been hanging out with all day. i've discovered that i am the only person in my life that is single and/or unemployed and it's pretty annoying. i want a job but i don't want a job. i want a boyfriend but i don't want a boyfriend. each part of me wants different things, and i don't know which version of myself to actually trust. one day i will feel like i can handle anything and another day i will feel like i can handle nothing. some days i feel like the only person that exists in the world, and other days i feel dead and i don't exist at all. i don't know if that makes sense to you, but it makes sense to me.

i believe it was yesterday i had an appointment with a neurologist to finally see what the fuck happened to my head in the car accident, and it was very intriguing. neuroscience and psychology/psychiatry are kind of similar, so it's very interesting to me. i plan on taking an intro to neuroscience class this fall, i have to in order to get my degree actually. anyway, an EEG was performed and this nice lady attached like 100 wires to my head. she used this disgusting thick sticky glue to keep the wire patches on, and it got on my adidas sweatshirt and i had to shower when i got home. it was gross but it was whatever. i had to be sleep deprived so i was cranky all day. i'm so curious to see what my results are, i want to know if i'll get any more diagnoses. they also said i should be able to see what part of my head was hit, so that'll be interesting.

my mom gave me a ride to the dispensary today, not because i couldn't drive but because i didn't want to go alone. i'm tired of being alone and doing things alone. kesa is in SLO visiting dylan for the weekend and trisha is in santa cruz with dame for the weekend. everyone has jobs and is always working too. i feel like i need new friends. no one in the central valley really gets me or understands me. i feel like i can't be comfortable around anyone really besides kesa. kesa is the only one. i've always said that if it wasn't for my cat, kesa, and my mom i would be dead right now. today at the dispensary i got a 250mg chocolate bar, a cartridge, some pre-rolls, and a kief/oil joint. with my tolerance that should last hopefully a week, oops. people who have my tolerance have two options: either take a tolerance break or smoke more weed a.k.a. spend more money. i'm going broke too, i don't get financial aid for the summer so i have to make this one from spring last all the way until like september. that's really funny though because i'm horrible at saving money. i might just give it all to my mom after i finish my tattoo and have her save it for me.

katie has been snapchatting me lately, and i really need to make some sense out of my thoughts regarding this one. i don't feel like she ran the stop sign on purpose, i just feel like there is something more to it? maybe i want to believe that there was something more to it because my mom feels that way? who do i trust? is my mother always right? i currently tell both of them i don't take sides, but katie is making it a big deal and apparently my mom and her have beef. katie wants to sit down with my mom and the whole family and discuss it but for my mom's sake i don't want to put her through that. we have similar anxiety issues and she doesn't need that, because i know she just wants the best for me. she wouldn't be doing this for any other reason, she doesn't care about katie or what she does. i appreciate my mom looking out for me but all of this conflict is just unnecessary and puts me in a weird position. katie can't be over at my house now because it'll be awkward. she snapchatted me yesterday saying 'let me know when you want to hangout' and we talked about this maybe this weekend. is it going to be awkward? i just don't know what to expect because i haven't seen her since the accident happened. we've both had time to think about everything and process things and realize things. i feel as if i am in a very different place than i was before the accident, and i don't know how she feels about everything. it's almost a sort of PTSD when i imagine her driving me around. if we were to hang out, i'd have to drive. the thought of her picking me up makes my stomach drop, and i don't know whether to feel bad about that or not. is that a rational thought considering the accident? i don't want to tell her that either because i don't want to make her feel bad about involving me, because i'd like to believe it was a genuine accident. she shouldn't feel worse than she already has recently because i was involved. ahhhhh it's just so much.

lately i've been in love with the idea of just moving to a far away place and starting a whole new life, away from everything and everyone.  i just want to get away from it all always!!! it's almost like suicide, suicidal people don't really want to die, they just want an escape and/or to make the shit stop. i'm not suicidal or anything, i'm just trying to compare it to something else to rationalize and make some sense out of it. i've been known to self-diagnose myself sometimes, unhealthy habit. maybe this is a symptom of my depression but it has been been a recurring thought. it's impossible though as i unfortunately don't have the financial means to do so. my dad's side of the family is notorious for ignoring us, i think i get it from them genetically. i have the ability to ignore someone close to me that does me wrong with little/no remorse, and it terrifies me greatly. it's almost a type of dissociation, i think that running from my problem will solve them but another part of me knows that it will solve nothing? my problems will still be my problems no matter the location when i really think about it. i just want a break, like a social vacation. running from my problems is almost like a type of learned behavior though, it's all that i've known sadly. 

welcome to the machine / have a cigar

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June 2017

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