Apr. 30th, 2017

drugcravings: (britney 3)
hello! yes, still listening to pink floyd. i'm going to see katie today for the first time since the car accident, so this should be something. we had plans on hanging out this weekend and i suggested coffee, so now i am blogging to pass the time and distracting my brain from having anxiety while i wait for her to snapchat me. my mom is literally going insane over me hanging out with her, she literally begged me to not let her drive me around anywhere ever. i really just think katie is a bad driver, she never had any malicious intent. oh! last weekend, urban outfitters was having a sale; 20% off all of their shoes and they had the dr. martens 1461's that i've had bookmarked for months. they're not just the basic black 1461's, i already own those. these are the fade out ones that go from black to white, it's so cool it's like a gradient. they came in the mail and i just tried them on for the first time as i'm typing, and they're cute and nice and i really like them, BUT there's so much more white on the shoe than i was expecting. it's definitely something i need to get used to, i'm not used to seeing so much white on my clothing. 

yesterday was fun, brianna and i went out of town and got jamba juice, we also visited nick at olive garden and got some soup and breadsticks. after that, we shopped in that little shopping center and went to tilly's and forever 21. brianna found some stuff at tilly's and i got the cutest bomber and a pink floyd: the wall (movie) t-shirt. so cute and neither of the items were crazy expensive. i was not expecting to buy stuff/shop that day but i'm kinda glad i did, i needed a new bomber and the new one looks so much more expensive than $35, it looks like some brand name shit! plus it goes so well with my givenchy shirt and the new doc martens i was just talking about. holy shit, i cannot believe that today is the last day of april. tomorrow is may. what the actual fuck. where did march & april go? they're black timeless voids where months should've been. sort of like 2014-2015. it never happened. :~) lately, i haven't really been able to differentiate between the days; it's just a bunch of memories all scattered together in one collection with a general idea of what i did.

OMG. i want to rewatch 13 reasons why so bad soon. that is probably all that i'm going to be doing this whole week since i'm off school and have no job. i watched it in march and i remember general things about the show and the idea of the plot, i finished the whole season but i know i'd have a better opinion on the show if i rewatched it. i've been hearing many mixed reviews about it, with some people saying it glamorizes mental illness and suicide, while some people saying it portrays mental illness in an incorrect way, making it seem like love and dating will cure someone. some people don't like it because there's not enough trigger warnings. i will admit i do remember it being a pretty heavy show, i cried a few times. some people also think it's going to influence our current generation into committing suicide in a "creative" way (by recording tapes, etc.). i can sort of see that but i also think that if someone is going to kill themselves, they're going to do it regardless if a show inspired the method. i can heavily relate to the show though, the bullying issues, the whole theme of the show and whatnot. i love alex though! and tony. tony is fine as hell i'm not even gonna lie.

katie is here to pick me up- i will update when i get back

update: i'm back home, oh boy. i'm very angry and coming from me that's a surprise because i don't get angry. i'm never an angry person. this whole situation deeply saddens me to my core because i didn't even get the chance to catch up with katie or see how she's doing or talk about either one of us, it was just all talk about my mom. all we talked about was the beef with her and my mom and i really don't care to hear it. and then as soon as i got home, the same shit happened. i just sat on the couch and listened to my mom talk about katie for 30 mins. it just gets so fucking old. i'm just caught somewhere in the middle of their conflict. i just want things to sort themselves out already and everything can just go back to normal. was anything normal to begin with though?

i genuinely believe that i have a lot more qualities from my dad's side of the family than the rest of my immediate family members. my mom, brother, and sister are all kind of similar. i just feel so marginalized from the rest of them. i don't feel like i can relate to anyone and i just feel so different and misunderstood by them. i know they have good intentions, but i'm not with it though, like we have nothing in common anymore. i take after my dad's side for sure, because all i can think and fantasize about is starting a new life and dropping everything here and never speaking to anyone currently in my life again, and that's what my dad's side did. i hate it, but i can't control it. i need out, i need to be self-sustained. i need to be reliant on my own, away from my mom and mark. i want to be my own person, away from all of this. i hate how my mom speaks on my behalf, and makes my business her business. she acts as if she was in the accident but she wasn't. i don't know how to feel about this whole situation because i love both of them. i'm neutral, this issue doesn't even involve me so i don't know what to do. i don't know what either of them want from me out of this situation, and i don't know how to help. only they can help each other by working through it and talking about it like mature adults.

i begin to question everything around me; what is real and what is not. who can i trust? can i trust what i've heard my whole life? my perception of people has always been subjective to my mother's opinion of that person. for example, my grandma shirley. my mom never liked senior, or kathy i think her name is. why though? where do i fall under all this? how do they feel about me? does my mom's conflict have to be my conflict also? i want a relationship with everyone on my dad's side of the family before it's too late, before they're all dead. i want to know them, as a person. i want to have a conversation with them and just sit down and get to know them. i want to ask them about my dad. i want to hear things about my dad that weren't biased to my mom. different people probably saw different sides of him. shirley knew him before my mom did anyway, that all has to mean something right? they all don't just exist for no reason right? i just feel like a part of me is missing and it has something to do with that, and i'm so grateful and happy that i have the privilege of realizing this and being aware of it, coming to terms with it is the best thing for me. half of me is missing, my dad's half. it always has been. trust issues are a thing. my mom's voice has always been my own inner voice growing up and could be responsible for all of my internalized homophobia, i don't know though. 

i wanted to go to sf today, but kesa said there was a giants game, so she's probably just gonna come over later. this blog is such a good outlet and i am so happy i had this idea because i can literally feel it. it feels so good being able to let it all out objectively without judgement, and it's not physically straining writing either, because i'm typing. i feel better now that i got it out, i will keep this updated.

fuck my life, hehe.


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