May. 17th, 2017

drugcravings: (alice 1)
wow hello! i haven't posted anything in a couple weeks, i dunno where to start. a lot of good and bad things have happened, but i can definitely say i'm in a much better mindset than i was when i last journaled. i've worked through a lot and my cannabis tolerance has gone down thankfully. wanna know the best news of the decade though!? i finally got a job!! my first job ever!! i am a delivery driver for doordash, and i'm considered an independent contractor.  i like it so far, it's pretty chill. i'm totally self-employed so i have to put aside 20% of each paycheck for taxes and i have to pay for my own gas, but yeah i make enough for it to balance out to a minimum wage job so that's all that matters! it's something. i work at my own pace and don't have to deal with coworkers or anything, so that's really nice. i've just been thinking long-term a lot lately and i really want to start building credit. so after about a month of income i'm going to apply for a secured credit card, just strictly use it for gas only, and then after 1 year get an unsecured credit card. after all that, i'll finally be ready to get an apartment without anyone to cosign for me! that's my goal. i know i'll be able to do it.

what else do we have to catch up on? my mom had her surgery today, she had a hysterectomy so that's pretty intense. she's probably going to be living from her bed for the next 2 weeks. ummm, i would talk about xavier but that's a different blog post for a different day, that's all too much to type out right now too. idk lately i've just been lost in my thoughts. i just constantly think about my past and my childhood and old memories in my old house all day, that's what passes the time throughout the days. i dropped all my summer classes except for social psychology, i dropped philosophy and computer graphics. i dropped the computer graphics class because it wasn't compatible with mac's at all, and i dropped philosophy because i that shit looked hard, not even gonna lie. nick came over for the first time in awhile today, it was kinda weird. he's racist and transphobic and i kinda hate him more and more everyday! i got my new bed a couple weeks ago and it's pretty comfortable. i can't complain, it's better than my old mattress. i wrapped christmas lights around the bed frame and it looks so cute! oh yea! i also got my second tattoo session done. it was five hours, it was a lot more painful than the first session. when they go over the first session tattoo, they're going over scar tissue so it hurts a lot more. my tattoo has been so expensive and he said i needed to have a third and final session. i originally only thought it was gonna be 9-10 hours/2 sessions. but i guess not, my third session is on june 13th. i'm getting flames and clouds finished up and medusa's hand. i love the way it looks after the second session, it's so lovely. 

i started watching the simple life like i said i wanted to in my last blog post, and it's my new favorite show to be honest. i cannot deal with my shitty internet though, so i ordered all five seasons on ebay on DVD. i regret nothing! i'm in the middle of the second season right now but i can't deal with the buffering. it takes my laptop 45 minutes to buffer through a 20 minute episode, it's crazy.  anyways, my whole irritability thing with everyone/everything around me has kinda decreased. some days are better than others, and i'd say lately there's been a little more good days. i think it's because i see the light at the end of the tunnel now that i've never ever seen before. i'm getting income, i'm building credit, i'm in college, all of these things are leading me to the end main goal: being self-sustained and independent on my own. i just daydream about moving out and being on my own everyday. i have never felt home here, and i've lived in this house/town for almost nine years. i have never felt like i can be 100% my full authentic genuine self, and i hate that feeling. i want to go somewhere where i feel like i belong, somewhere where i feel wanted. i know a place like that exists. 

a couple weeks ago, i had my follow-up appointment with my neurologist to see what my eeg test showed. my results were basically nothing, he told us that the test came back normal and there's nothing he can do. he suggested the brain will heal itself within 6 months - 1 year so that's whatever. he was kind of a douche though, the way he presented himself. he was very money-oriented and was just talking to me about how to get the most money out of this, i'm just like dude i don't care! fix my brain! i cried on my way back home after the appointment, because any brain test on me should not have came back normal as bad as that sounds. ummmm. what else. mother's day was last weekend, that was kinda fun, kinda not. we all went up to my grandma's house on my mom's side. it's so awkward when my whole family tries talking to me and finding something in common with me to talk about. i have nothing in common with these people and i think i make them uncomfortable, they don't know how to talk to me? that morning i had a dream i checked the mail at home and there was an envelope from shirley. i just find that odd because i never ever dream ever when i'm smoking weed. that's always been a thing, stoners don't dream. the only dream i remember after my car accident is one on mother's day, getting a letter from the mother of my dead father? kinda strange. i told my mom about it and she just brushed it off as usual, my mom doesn't like shirley. no one in my family does. i feel like i have a lot in common with her though. i'm very curious to know what my subconscious is trying to tell me. i'll figure it out eventually i'm sure.


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