drugcravings: (lindsay 2)
[personal profile] drugcravings
my depression is currently telling me that my happiness is a lie. every time i've ever felt happy it's been fake.
as you can guess this is one of the bad days. this weekend, my town has a big event where there are booths, rides, fireworks, etc. and it's a town thing. i've lived here for 8 years now and every year has been "lit" as they call it. that has always been the start of summer, that's the marking point. that event also sets the tone for the rest of the summer for that year to me. i've always partied and done something crazy at this time in the past. 2014 i had my mohawk, did salvia and xanax with everyone, blacked out in ethan's grandpa's basement party, wow. my peak, my prime. my saturn car, with sara giving her a ride. i miss her! so much! i also miss james! i remember one year when james was driving me around in his truck after we watched fireworks at the baseball field, i wanna say that was 2015. in 2016 during the fireworks i was in trisha's backyard smoking a joint dipped in wax and rolled in kief with tracey, jamie, and kesa. i had 5-6 months clean from hard drugs at the time, that's the only reason i remember that so well. i hit the joint like 2-3 times and was too high already, and let tracey finish it. that made her very happy. i've cried multiple times today and also i currently can't stop crying! i just cry and cry and cry! as soon as i wipe my tears they just keep going. no matter how much weed i smoke too. i had opiate cravings today too. i just watched the fireworks with my mom and i'm just feeling so much.

i feel like a disappointment to everyone around me. i am the dream that my mom & dad had, am i living up to it? this needs to be the last year that i live here. everything in this town is a reminder. a reminder of my traumas. bad things happen to me in this town, like it's cursed or something. the bullying, the accident, the grief, the drugs, the people in general. i can't do it everyday. this weekend of the year just keeps getting more lame and more lame. it's extremely depressing because when this time of year comes around, my thoughts just start flooding with memories of past years and what i was doing then. i think about when i actually did sit at the baseball field with everyone, took pictures, etc. everything just seemed so happy. but that's the tricky thing about nostalgia, nostalgia is a bitch and a liar. i am well aware i didn't like my life at those times, but looking back now it was so much better back then! it's like rose tinted glasses; fuck you nostalgia for doing this to me!

i go from not feeling anything to feeling everything, and my feelings hit me like a train. all at once and they come flooding and i don't know what to do. i didn't do anything friday, i went to brianna's house today for like an hour and left because they were going to a party that i didn't wanna go to. but i told them all to let me know what they do after the party for the fireworks so i can meet back up with them again, but they never did. my snapchats were left on read and once brian told me they were at the baseball field i tried driving there and i couldn't find parking, it was too late so i came back home. this is the first year i've done this all alone. summer 2015 i shaved my head this weekend and ethan almost fought abe, partied at dylan's house, epic party ever, did molly and eddie hit on me. lmao. summer 2016 was lame but still a lot more decent than this year, i actually socialized for longer than an hour. 

it's been 3 yrs since first artrave today. 3 fucking years. i got three vinyl records w kesa yesterday: a fever you can't sweat out, post pop depression, and heaven or las vegas. i haven't been working lately at all, i haven't had the motivation. 
p.s. nick actually had the nerve to leave my snapchats on delivered for hours, and then go and post a story. i told him to let me know. he didn't. but he can post stories. i hate everyone. i literally am so done, frustrated, i've tolerated too much for too long. i've put up with so much shit, and i've never stood up for myself. i don't deserve this, right? also, kesa told me she was gonna stay the night tonight and test out the top bunk. she was planning on coming over after she got off work at 2:30 but after she got home she fell asleep and took a nap. that was when i went to brianna's house. after she woke up she said alice invited her to a party and she didn't know what she wanted to do. so i've just been waiting all day or whatever. she snapchatted me a little bit ago and she's at alice's house. lmao so i'm alone! !!! surprise! wow! alone! shocker! not trying to play victim i don't blame kesa and i'm not mad at her for choosing what to do with her life, because that's what she did and that's okay. but i'm just emphasizing the fact that i'm not doing shit this weekend except thinking and crying and feeling a lot of emotions. i will actually burst out into tears out of nowhere, like literal crying spells. it's bad. 

well, hopefully my next post is a little more lighter.

i don't think i'm asking for too much, but these are my little goals for the time in between now and my next blog post:
1. work at least one day, just one fucking day 
2. lower my cannabis tolerance
3. maintain my sobriety to everything except cannabis; benadryl, caffeine, nicotine, opiates, powder, xans, self-harm, etc. 
4. try to feel better and maybe try going at least one day without crying? (this is optional as i don't have control over this)

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